Doggie Humour
"Beware of Dog"
Upon entering a little country store,
a stranger noticed a sign reading,
"Danger! Beware of Dog" posted
on the glass door.
Inside, he noticed a harmless old
hound dog asleep on the floor
besides the cash register. He
asked the store manager, "Is that
the dog folks are supposed to
beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be
amused. "That certainly doesn't
look like a dangerous dog to me.
Why in the world would you post
that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied,
"Before I posted that sign, people
kept tripping over him."
Upon entering a little country store,
a stranger noticed a sign reading,
"Danger! Beware of Dog" posted
on the glass door.
Inside, he noticed a harmless old
hound dog asleep on the floor
besides the cash register. He
asked the store manager, "Is that
the dog folks are supposed to
beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be
amused. "That certainly doesn't
look like a dangerous dog to me.
Why in the world would you post
that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied,
"Before I posted that sign, people
kept tripping over him."
How to Photograph a Puppy
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's month and throw
in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee
grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod, check flash and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to
camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on
knees.
9. Focus with one hand while fending off puppy
with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch
on puppy's nose.
12. Put magazines back on coffee table.
13. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy
over your head.
14. Replace your glasses and check camera for
damage.
15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck
and say- "No, no outside!"
16. Call spouse to help clean up the mess.
17. Fix a drink.
18. Sit back in chair, put your feet up, sip your drink
and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the
first thing in the morning.
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's month and throw
in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee
grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod, check flash and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to
camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on
knees.
9. Focus with one hand while fending off puppy
with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch
on puppy's nose.
12. Put magazines back on coffee table.
13. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy
over your head.
14. Replace your glasses and check camera for
damage.
15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck
and say- "No, no outside!"
16. Call spouse to help clean up the mess.
17. Fix a drink.
18. Sit back in chair, put your feet up, sip your drink
and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the
first thing in the morning.
A man and his dog walk into a
bar
A man and his dog walk into a
bar. The man says, "I'll bet you
a round of drinks that my dog
can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure…go
ahead."
Man asks the dog, "What
covers a house?" Dog says,
"Roof!"
Man asks the dog, "How does
sandpaper feel?" Dog says,
"Rough!"
Man asks the dog, "Who was
the greatest baseball player of
all time?" Dog says, "Ruth!"
Man says to the bartender,
"Pay up. I told you he could
talk."
Bartender throws both of them
out the door.
Sitting on the sidewalk, the
dog looks at the man and
says, "Should I have said
Gehrig, then?"
bar
A man and his dog walk into a
bar. The man says, "I'll bet you
a round of drinks that my dog
can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure…go
ahead."
Man asks the dog, "What
covers a house?" Dog says,
"Roof!"
Man asks the dog, "How does
sandpaper feel?" Dog says,
"Rough!"
Man asks the dog, "Who was
the greatest baseball player of
all time?" Dog says, "Ruth!"
Man says to the bartender,
"Pay up. I told you he could
talk."
Bartender throws both of them
out the door.
Sitting on the sidewalk, the
dog looks at the man and
says, "Should I have said
Gehrig, then?"
These are the answers from dogs when asked
"How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb?"
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is
young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and
you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out
light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring
that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear
and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the
house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the
light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed
me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on
the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to
sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got
a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little
circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb?
That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
"How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb?"
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is
young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and
you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out
light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring
that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear
and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the
house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the
light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed
me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on
the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to
sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got
a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little
circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb?
That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Who's Dog is it?
There was a hound dog laying in
the yard and an old geezer in
overalls was sitting on the porch.
''Excuse me, sir, but does your dog
bite?'' a tourist asked. The old man
looked up over his newspaper and
replied, ''Nope.''
As soon as the tourist stepped out
of his car, the dog began snarling
and growling, and then attacked
both his arms and legs. As the
tourist flailed around in the dust, he
yelled, ''I thought you said your dog
didn't bite!'' The old man muttered,
''Ain't my dog.''
There was a hound dog laying in
the yard and an old geezer in
overalls was sitting on the porch.
''Excuse me, sir, but does your dog
bite?'' a tourist asked. The old man
looked up over his newspaper and
replied, ''Nope.''
As soon as the tourist stepped out
of his car, the dog began snarling
and growling, and then attacked
both his arms and legs. As the
tourist flailed around in the dust, he
yelled, ''I thought you said your dog
didn't bite!'' The old man muttered,
''Ain't my dog.''
| Observations made about dogs: 1. Dogs lie around all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. 2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. 3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 4. They growl when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play they want to play. 6. When you want to be alone they want to play. 7. They are great at begging. 8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. 9. They leave their toys everywhere. 10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats. |
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